Funny Jokes

Discussion in 'Smokers Lounge' started by Mr Douglas, Jul 31, 2006.

  1. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    The 3 stages of a man's life:

    Before marriage:





    [​IMG]

    After marriage:






    [​IMG]


    After the divorce:









    [​IMG]

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Customer walks into a porno store asking for an inflatable doll...


    Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?

    Customer says, "Female'

    Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White"

    Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

    Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

    Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."





    Toll Booth Tragedy

    The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig and
    plowed into an empty tollbooth smashing it to pieces. He climbed down
    from the truck and surveyed the wreckage.

    Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a
    crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former
    tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they
    began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour they had
    the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

    "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that
    white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

    The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."







    Sorry about that everyone!! :D
     
  2. snickelfritz

    snickelfritz Weed College Hall Monitor

    LoL... I got the same email about the marriage thing... Sad part is... It is the truth... :(


    Speaking from past experience...:mad:
     
  3. Spuddy

    Spuddy Veggy Stage

    -stupid joke-


    why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


    ...it was dead
     
  4. Clarence Weedman

    Clarence Weedman Latae Sententiae Excommunication

    a buddy sent me thiz 1..


    Smart-Ass Cop


    Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"


    The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."


    Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."


    The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.


    The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"


    The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."


    The passenger says, "Huh?"


    The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me.'"


    lol
     
    DaBurner420 likes this.
  5. Mermaid

    Mermaid ~Sea Of Green~

    Too funny Mr. Douglas!! :D
     
  6. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    Florida Drinking Rule


    A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,



    pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico



    our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass



    twice."



    An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his



    glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He



    says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need



    to drink out of the same glass twice either.



    The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,



    throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican



    and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so



    many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the



    same ones twice.



    God Bless America!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Something To Offend Everyone!


    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?



    Juan on Juan.



    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?



    The position of the dirt bag.



    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?



    Doughnuts?



    Why is air a lot like sex?



    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



    What do you call a smart blonde?



    A golden retriever.



    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?



    45 lbs.



    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?



    45 minutes.



    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?



    Through his chest with a sharp knife.



    Why do men want to marry virgins?



    They can't stand criticism.



    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?



    Because those men already have boyfriends.



    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?



    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?



    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?



    "Are you sure it's mine?"



    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?



    Mace will do that to you.



    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?



    Everyone has the same DNA.



    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?



    He walks around saying "Yo."



    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?



    A different bar.



    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?



    They named him "Sum Ting Wong.



    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?



    A speech impediment.



    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?



    They're hiring.



    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?



    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."



    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?



    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?



    A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."



    A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t."



    Why is there no Disneyland in China ?



    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin


    on his face.



    " What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.



    "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.



    "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on



    my way home



    last night,I noticed a young woman tied to the



    tracks, like in the



    films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took



    her back to my



    place.



    Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big



    time! We made



    love all night, all over the house. We did



    everything, me on top,



    sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!



    Fantastic!," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky



    bastard. Was she pretty?"



    "Dunno... never found the head!"
     
  7. HighGuy™

    HighGuy™ Begun Flowering

    A drunk guy staggers into a bar and hollers at the bartender.


    "I ain't got no money but I wanna shot. Can you help a brother out?"


    The bartender says "No fucking way, man. You gotta pay."


    So the drunk says "Gimme a shot or I'm gonna go over there and drink that spittoon dry."


    "You just go right ahead," the bartender replied.


    So the drunk goes over and starts drinking the spittoon. After about 3 swallows the bartender is so grossed out that he shouts, "Stop, man, stop! Here's your shot!"


    But the drunk just keeps drinking and drinking until everything was gone.


    "Dude! I said I would give you a shot. Why didn't you stop?"


    "I tried to," he said, "but it was all one strand." :eek:
     
  8. CanadianDAN

    CanadianDAN Summer Greenthumb

    Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a motorcycle?


    I dont have a motorcycle in my garage! :D :cool:
     
  9. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor.


    The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad



    news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."



    O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into



    the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.



    "Well son , we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate



    when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have



    cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."



    After 3 or 4 pints, the two were f eeling a little less somber. There



    were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by



    some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two



    were celebrating.



    O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."



    The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of



    more beers.



    After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered,



    "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told



    your friends you were dying of AIDS."



    O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother



    after I'm gone."



    Gotta love the Irish



    THE OBEDIENT WIFE


    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the



    casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.



    If he can cash it, he can spend it."
     
  10. HighGuy™

    HighGuy™ Begun Flowering

    Why do women live longer than men?


    They don't have wives to put up with. :D
     
  11. runzwsczrs

    runzwsczrs Begun Flowering

    What is the national bird?


    Eagle.


    What is the bird of wisdom?


    Owl.


    What is the bird of love?


    Dove.


    What is the bierd of "true Love"


    Swallow.
     
  12. Dr. Dra

    Dr. Dra Veggy Stage

    A guy walks into a bar. he says ouch.
     
  13. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    Good one, runz.......I've heard it told a different way though:


    If a black stork brings black babies...........


    and a white stork brings white babies............



    what kind of birds bring no babies at all??



    A couple of swallows.



    Another stupid joke:


    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods


    turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going"? Stevie Wonder


    replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf"? Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've


    had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."


    Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to


    stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I


    play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf"? Wonder says,


    "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see"? Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to


    stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound


    if his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the


    ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and


    again, I play the ball toward his voice" "But how do you putt"? asks Woods.


    "Well,"says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to


    me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."


    Woods asks, "What's your handicap"? Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch


    golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round


    sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only


    play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks


    it over and says, "Okay, I'm for that. When would you like to play"?


    Stevie says, "Pick a night."
     
  14. geheim

    geheim Excommunicated

  15. snickelfritz

    snickelfritz Weed College Hall Monitor

    A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor,


    I've got a problem, but if you're going to


    treat it, first you've got to promise not to


    laugh."





    "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.


    "I'm a professional. In over twenty years


    I've never laughed at a patient."





    "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to


    drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest


    penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to


    control himself. The doctor fell laughing


    to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able


    to struggle to his feet and regain his


    composure.





    "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what


    came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a


    gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.


    Now what seem to be the problem?"





    "It's swollen."


    ..................................................................


    A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.What do you think of that?"





    The doctor replied, " I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of this gun by mistake.





    When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?





    The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."





    The doctor said, "My point exactly".
     
  16. snickelfritz

    snickelfritz Weed College Hall Monitor

    A Yankee in Texas


    TEXAS

    Dear Diary:..


    Just moved to Texas !



    Now this is a state that knows how to live!!



    Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.



    What a place!



    It is beautiful.



    I've finally found my home.



    I love it here.







    June 14th:


    Really heating up.



    Got to 100 today. Not a problem.



    Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.



    What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.







    June 30th:


    Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.



    Lots of cactus and rocks.



    What a breeze to maintain.



    No more mowing the lawn for me.



    Another scorcher today, but I love it here.







    July 10th:


    The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.



    How do people get used to this kind of heat?



    At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.







    July 15th:


    Fell asleep by the community pool.



    (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.



    I learned my lesson though.



    Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.







    July 20th:


    I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.



    By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.



    The car now smells like Kibbles and Kitty Bits.



    I learned my lesson though.



    No more pets in this heat.



    Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.







    July 25th:


    The wind sucks.



    It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!



    And it's hot as hell.



    The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.







    July 30th:


    Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now.



    $225,000 house and I can't even go inside.



    Lomita is the lucky one.



    Why did I ever come here?







    Aug. 4th:


    It's 115 degrees.



    Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.



    It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85.



    I hate this stupid state.







    Aug. 8th:


    If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him...



    Damn heat.



    By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!







    Aug. 9th:


    Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire.



    My skin melted to the seat.



    I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt . . .



    Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.







    Aug 10th:


    The weather report might as well be a damn recording.



    Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.



    Doesn't it ever rain in this God forsaken state?



    Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.



    Even the cactus can't live in this unrelenting heat.







    Aug.14th:


    Welcome to HELL!



    Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.



    Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car.



    The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???



    "Hot enough for you today?"



    My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.



    Freaking Texas ...What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??



    Will write later to let you know how the trial goes


    ...
     
  17. Mermaid

    Mermaid ~Sea Of Green~

    ROFLMAO guys....good ones!! :D


    Peace~Jersey
     
  18. jerseydude

    jerseydude Banned

    Pardon me while I laugh:


    NYUK NYUK NYUK!!! All GOOD ones!!!


    A Boy & His Grandfather out on a Fishing Trip


    A Grandfateher was taking his 8 year old grandson out on a fishing trip.


    While they were driving there, grandpa lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away. The grandson asks, "Grandpa, can I smoke a cigarette?"


    The Grandpa looks at him and says, "Boy, can you reach your asshole with your penis?"


    The boy looks at him puzzled and says, "No, grandpa."


    Grandpa says, "Then you can't have a cigarette."


    The boy is aggravated now, they drive along. Grandpa opens a cooler and takes out a beer. As he's sipping away, the boy says, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"


    Same thing. Grandpa asks, "Boy, can you reach your asshole with your penis? " Again, "No, Grandpa." "Well, then you can't have a beer."


    Now the boy is really pissed. They stop at a gas station. The boy goes inside and buys a lottery ticket with money from his Mom.


    Lo & behold, he scratches away and wins a million dollars!!!!


    Grandpa comes in sees the ticket and can't contain himself.


    He says, "Boy, you ARE you gonna share that money with good old Grandpa, arent you?"


    The boy looks at him for a few seconds and asks, "Grandpa, can you reach your asshole with your penis? "


    Now the Grandpa smiles smugly cos he figures he's got the kid and says, "Why, of course I can."


    The kid looks at him and says, "Good, go fuck yourself!!! I'm keeping the money!!"


    :D
     
  19. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still


    Two women friends had gone for a girls night out



    Both were very faithful, and loving wives, however,



    they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.



    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. so they stopped



    in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.



    She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.



    After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.



    The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed with a hangover. so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm startin' to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......'From all of us at the Fire Station. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU"'
     
  20. Mermaid

    Mermaid ~Sea Of Green~

    Good one's guys!! =)


    LMAO @ some of these jokes... :p


    OK here is one I got today from a frd ...........


    A HILLBILLY GOT MARRIED


    A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father



    for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman



    before.



    "We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"



    Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her



    clothes off and then you both get in bed."



    The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekid and



    we're in bed. What do I do now?"



    Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked,"



    Did you take your clothes off, too?"



    "No." the son replies.



    "Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her."



    The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both nekid and



    inbed What do I do now?"



    The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, Son



    , do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on



    your body where she pees!"



    The son calls again a minute later.



    "Ok, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"



     

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