Funny Jokes

Discussion in 'Smokers Lounge' started by Mr Douglas, Jul 31, 2006.

  1. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    bronze rat


    A Birmingham tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.


    After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.



    It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.



    He took it to the owner and said:



    "How much is this bronze rat?"



    The owner replied:



    "Its £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."



    The brummy gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."



    As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.



    This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.



    He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.



    By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.



    Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.



    The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"



    "No," said the brummy, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of immigrants, an Aston Villa supporter and anything French!"
     
  2. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.



    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.



    'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?



    'Morris Fishbien,' he replied.



    'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'



    'For about 60 years.'



    '60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'



    'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.'



    'I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. '



    'I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'



    'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'



    'Like I'm talking to a fuckin ' wall.'
     
  3. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    An old lady dies and goes to heaven.


    She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates



    when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.



    Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,



    'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'



    The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.



    Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.



    'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'



    'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,



    'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'



    'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'



    'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.



    'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'



    'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'
     
  4. Mermaid

    Mermaid ~Sea Of Green~

    Good one :roll:


    OK this is corny but my little nephew told me this the other day and I cracked up...


    What is the difference between Pea Soup and Roast Beef???


    YOU CAN ROAST BEEF BUT YOU CAN NOT PEA SOUP. ;)
     
  5. choker

    choker HIDING OUT

    3 gay guys were sitting in a hot tub and all of a sudden a big gob of cum floated by 1 of them and he said


    "OK" which one of you guys farted?
     
  6. TheCarpenter

    TheCarpenter member

    What's better than winning first place in the special olympics?


    Not being retarded.
     
    Shadowman likes this.
  7. TheCarpenter

    TheCarpenter member

    An elderly couple, married for decades, had a set morning routine. Every morning the husband would wake up, roll over and fart extremely loud. And every morning his wife would tell him, "One of these days, you're going to shit your guts out."


    Thanksgiving day, she woke up extra early, and quietly got out of bed and walked downstairs. After preparing the turkey, she sneaked upstairs and stuffed the birds entrails down the back of his underwear.


    She waited patiently downstairs, until a loud fart rumbled from the bedroom, followed by a sickening scream. Finally, about an hour later, the husband came down sheepishly to his wife. "You shit your guts out didn't you?" she stated bluntly. He replied, "I sure did, but with the grace of god, these two fingers and a little vaseline, I got 'em all back in."
     
  8. TheCarpenter

    TheCarpenter member

    How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?


    Pick him up and give him a handjob.
     
  9. GeoKitty

    GeoKitty Guest

    What's the difference between Parsley and Pussy??


    NOBODY eats fuckin' Parsley!!!!


    (my boss told me that one yesterday over the phone...while he was shopping...for parsley!!)
     
  10. Shadowman

    Shadowman Full Flowering

    What's the difference between my ex-wife and Jello?


    Jello moves when you eat it.
     
  11. Shadowman

    Shadowman Full Flowering

    What is the difference between a bowling ball and Janet Reno's vagina?


    You can eat a bowling ball if you have to.
     
  12. AverageJoe

    AverageJoe papa oom mow mow

  13. theferret

    theferret Veggy Stage

    a women walks into an army carears office the guy behind the desk asks her can i help you madam.yes sir she replys i would like to to go to afganistan to fight the taliban sorry madam i cant help you he says its for men only.out she walks and thinks to herself how can i get out to afganistan to fight the taliban so home she goes sticks on a false beard sun glasses and goes back in to the army carears office.the guy behind the desk says to her can i help you sir.yes you can she replied putting on a deep voice i would like to go to afganistan to fight the taliban certinly sir the guy behind the desk replys sign by here.so shes out in afganistan in the trenches and a captain happen to walk passed her and thought what a funny looking private he looks so the captain says to her would you like a puff of this fag i am smoking thank you captain she replied leaning forward with her two arms crossed to hide her tits the captain says to her do you mind me asking you private are you deformed in any way no capain she says why do you ask that.the captain says because the zip of your trousers is open and i can see your ass.
     
  14. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those


    headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'



    'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'



    His wife replies, ' Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand



    in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,



    I do not have a headache



    I do not have a headache



    I do not have a headache



    Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'



    'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.



    His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in



    the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the



    hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'



    Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.



    Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.



    He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'



    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



    His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'



    The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'



    He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.



    The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.



    Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'



    With that, he goes back into the bathroom.



    This time, his wife quietly follows him into



    the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying .....



    She is not my wife



    She is not my wife



    She is not my wife'
     
  15. Shadowman

    Shadowman Full Flowering

    Two years earlier, Bob had bought his dog at a reputable kennel. It was a beautiful Chocolate Lab with a great bloodline. He bought it for a show dog, but it became apparent that the dog did not have the temperament to compete in dog shows. In fact, Bob's dog had gradually become extremely vicious and unpredictable. He would have to lock the dog away when company came by. He spent thousand on dog training alone. Bob would try anything since despite his volatility, Bob loved his dog dearly.


    Bob's vet convince him that the only sure-fire way to ensure the dog's temper could be staunched was to have the dog castrated. After a few day's consideration, Bob decided the vet was right and he made the appointment.


    Bob left the dog in the care of the vet for two weeks after the surgery for observation. Bob was waiting when the vet opened for the morning. The vet gave Bob his dog and he seemed optimistic about the outcome. Bob took the dog home. The dog always sat on the passenger side and today he sat in the same place, but he didn't growl when a pedestrian passed in front of Bob's Jeep. "Maybe it worked," Bob thought hopefully as he pulled in his driveway.


    The dog was docile until Bob opened his door. The dog dove out the door, knocking Bob on his ass in the process. To his horror, Bob saw his dog barreling down the sidewalk straight toward a drunk that was staggering along about 6 blocks away. The drunk saw the dog and started trying to run. The dog barked ferociously as he closed the gap on his target. Bob was running that way, but he realized he wasn't going to make it in time. He screamed his dog's name frantically.


    The drunk turned around to defend himself. The dog knocked him to the ground, his teeth buried in the poor drunk guy's thigh. The drunk screamed in pain and slapped wildly at the dog, who didn't release his grip until Bob arrived and grabbed his dog by the collar.


    When the dust settled, Bob looked at the drunk. "Dude, I am so sorry," Bob began. "I have tried everything possible to chill this dog out. Why, I just brought him home from the vet. He was castrated as a last resort."


    The drunk was now standing and he looked at Bob through his bloodshot eyes. "Castrated?" slurred the drunk. "You shoulda had his teeth pulled. I could tell from five blocks away he wasn't coming to fuck me."
     
    strawberry.cough likes this.
  16. gizmo_barks

    gizmo_barks Harvested Fat Sticky Bud

    That's some funny shit


    :rofl6:
     
  17. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates through St.. Peter.


    St. Peter asks the first girl, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.



    “St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”



    St.Peter asks the next girl the same question,“Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.



    St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."



    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St.. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”



    The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”
     
  18. Shadowman

    Shadowman Full Flowering

    Just heard this one!


    A man meets a woman in a bar and strikes up a conversation. They hit it off pretty well and soon start trading shots. By 10 p.m. they are both totally smashed. The woman suggests that they go back to his place and have raw, animalistic sex, to which the man eagerly agrees.


    Within five minutes of entering his apartment, they are fucking like rabid ferrets. They go four or five times in every position they can think of. (The guy even vaguely remembers coming on the back of his own head!) At the end of the session they are completely wasted and soon fall into a deep sleep.


    During the night, the man wakes up and to his embarrassment, he discovers that during the night he has shit himself and the bed. He notices that the woman is still in a deep sleep.


    He is very proud of himself when he slips the soiled sheets out from under her and slips a fresh sheet back on the bed without waking her. He slips into the shower and cleans himself up. The woman is still asleep, so he picks the soiled sheets up to take to the laundry room. Just as he picked up the sheet, the woman wakes up and asks what he was doing. In desperation, he tosses the soiled sheet out the window and returns to bed.


    Meanwhile, outside the building and three stories down a wino is walking down the street, minding his own business, when the sheet lands on top of him. The wino freaks out. He begins to fight his way out of the sheet, screaming for help at the top of his lungs. He finally gets the sheet off his head and it lands on the sidewalk in a heap. Around the same time, a cop, hearing the racket, rounds the corner and sees the drunk staring at the sheet on the sidewalk.


    "What in the fuck is going on here?" The cop asks the drunk.


    The drunk looks from the sheet to the cop and says, "Officer, I'm not sure, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
     
    Mr Douglas likes this.
  19. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    Ed and Dorothy


    Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation. Ed fell head over heels 'In Love' with her. After a couple of weeks in which Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.


    On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.



    'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his new found lady friend. 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'



    'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker.'



    'I see', Ed replied. 'That's a problem, for sure.' He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.
    :bgolfer:
     
  20. strawberry.cough

    strawberry.cough looking into the abyss

    Pharmacology


    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called


    Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it ha s settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Via gra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
    ResinRubber likes this.

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