Funny Jokes

Discussion in 'Smokers Lounge' started by Mr Douglas, Jul 31, 2006.

  1. snickelfritz

    snickelfritz Weed College Hall Monitor

    A crusty old retired pilot out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks and walks inside.


    As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:



    COLD BEER: $2.00



    HAMBURGER: $2.25



    CHEESEBURGER: $2.50



    CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50



    HAND JOB: $50.00



    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old pilot walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.



    She glides down behind the bar to the old pilot.



    "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"



    The old pilot leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"



    She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".



    The ole' pilot leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, go wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
     
  2. Mr Douglas

    Mr Douglas still stoned again still

    things guys understand


    1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "No just taking a shit."


    2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.


    3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard," I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said "it'll be too


    painful."



    4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me" because I am trying to examine you."


    5. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
     
  3. MrAstro

    MrAstro R.I.P

    I have to remember the cemetery one! :rofl:
     
  4. CanadianDAN

    CanadianDAN Summer Greenthumb

    How can you tell your girl gives good head?


    She has to chew for a minute before she swallows.:icon_confused:
     
  5. lukesmommy

    lukesmommy "lil doobie"

    A guy walks into a Bar and says, "OUCH!!!"...


    :welcome: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
     
  6. GeoKitty

    GeoKitty Guest

    A Horse, A Chicken And A Harley


    A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:


    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


    Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


    Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


    Back at the bog,the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


    After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


    The friendship between the two animals was cemented: BestBuddies, BestPals. BFF's!


    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


    The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.


    Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


    The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up


    and out, saving his life.


    The moral of the story:


    'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
     
  7. AverageJoe

    AverageJoe papa oom mow mow

    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"


    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."


    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"


    "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
     
  8. ResinRubber

    ResinRubber Civilly disobedient/Mod

    Oh good a new round.....


    this is long so bear with me.


    Ollie proposes to Lena and they are finally getting married.


    On the night of the bachelor party Olie gets way to drunk, picks up a hooker, falls off her and bends the shit out of his donniker. When he gets to the Dr. the next day the doc tapes it up with a couple tongue depressors and sends Ollie on his way.


    Well the wedding comes and Ollie still hasn't healed from his earlier transgression then later that night in the bedroom Lena comes out in a flowing sexy nightie with no panties on.


    Lena leans close "Ollie, dis is just fer you. I been savin' myself for dis night ferever and vant you to know yer dah first man to ever see dis body."


    Ollie is now scambling to come up with something, pulls open his boxers yanks out his splinted donniker and proudly states,


    "Vell look at dat Lena, still in dah crate just fer you."
     
  9. rasganjah

    rasganjah True Ganjaman

    The Naked Rasta


    A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.


    "Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"


    Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."


    The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.


    The police asked him what happened.


    The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."


    The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?"


    After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to him! Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"
     
  10. bigbudztoo

    bigbudztoo growin the good stuff

    jokes


    One guy talking to his buddy : Hey, I am screwing twins !


    His friend says: "How do you tell them apart ?"


    It's easy he said, Sarah is a blonde and Tom has a mustache !


    Budz:anibong::anibong::anibong:
     
    rasganjah likes this.
  11. gizmo_barks

    gizmo_barks Harvested Fat Sticky Bud

    If u had sex 365 times a year, and u melted down all the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it?


    A FUCKIN GOODYEAR!


    peace


    G_B
     
  12. gizmo_barks

    gizmo_barks Harvested Fat Sticky Bud

    Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!


    peace


    G_B
     

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