Tell us your best jokes!

Lifesavers... A teacher was working with her students,trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.One day she brought in multiple rolls of lifesavers with all the flavors...

"Children!" she anounced proudly, so elated by her wonderful idea. "I would like you to close your eyes,and taste these, then I want you to tell me what they are" she said, visibly excited about her little experiment...The children closed their eyes and managed to identify the tastes of cherries,lemons and mint but...when the teacher gave them honey flavored lifesavers,everyone of the kids were stumped...

"I'll give you a hint" said the teacher sweetly..."It's something your Mommy and Daddy probably call eachother all the time." Instantly! one of the children began to gag and choke violently and hollered at the top of his lungs...


"Spit 'em out Guys!! There ASSHOLES!!...

 

OK...bad idea...

 

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books...


1.Who Shat in the Hat


2.Fox in Detox


3.Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert


4.Horton Hires a Ho


5.My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket


6.Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell out!


7.Aunts in my Pants


8.The Flesh Eating Lorax


9.Oh,The Places Youll Scratch and Sniff


10.One Bitch, Two Bitch, Mean Bitch, Cruel bitch


11.The Cat in the Crackhouse


Cant help but laugh at ridiculous and corny jokes...is a curse...

 

One morning while making breakfast,a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said..."You know if you firmed this up,We could get rid of your girdle."...


While this was on the edge of intolerable,she thought herself better and replied with silence...


The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."...


This was beyond a silence response,so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up,we could get rid of the milkman, the postman, the gardener and your brother!"...


moral of the story: Think before you speak...

 

Aggro's called Susan

 

Hi, I'm new here, will someone sell me some pot?

 

Funniest one yet Mrs.B...

 

A math teacher asked a boy in her class, "If I gave you $200, and then you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Susan and $50 to Sally, what would you have?"


The boy replied, "An orgy."

 

Gud'n Fats,.....


"What was question 8"

 

What's the smartest thing a woman has ever said?


A man once told me...


How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Who cares let the bitch cook in the dark.


How many men does it take to open a beer?


Doesn't matter because if the bitch ain't got it open by the time she gets to the couch theirs gonna be hell to pay.


Why couldn't woman tell time?


The clock on the stove always flashes 12:00.


How do you know when a blonde has been using a computer?


There's white-out all over the screen.


How do you know when two blondes have been using a computer?


There's writing over the white-out.


I have more but there are just plain mean.

 

LMAO @ Fats...


Not gonna let this thread die till you tell your jokes!...


Collection of quotes...


Some mornings,its just not worth chewing through the leather straps...


-Emo Phillips


I think that all right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being tired. Im certainly not!! but Im sick and tired of being told that I am!!...


-Monty Python


For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off...


-Johhny Carson


I hate to advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone but theyve always worked for me...


-Hunter S. Thompson


Once at a social gathering Gladstone said to Disraeli,"I predict,Sir,that you will die by either hanging or some vile disease." Disraeli replied "That all depends, sir,upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress"...


-unknown


Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can,using only their hands and feet,...make some the worst movies in the history of the world...


-Dave Barry


Madness takes its toll.Please have exact change.


-unknown


NEXT!!...

 

This white collar worker goes to jail for a bookkeeping crime. Hes only 5 foot 2 100 lbs soakin wet if hes lucky. He gets put into his cell with his new mate a 350 pound heavily tatooed biker that looks at him and says "YOU gonna be the Husband or the Wife?!" The bookkeeper thinks for a little bit than says "The Husband!" The biker than goes "Good get over hear and suck your wifes dick!"

 

Ted, you better brace yourself for Mrs. B's fish

 

Sweet!...Accountant better get him some good knee pads...huh SOLO?

 

You mean "cock sucker's pads" LOL!

 

alright seizure, i owe you one.


i already told these a little while ago:


A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde go to the clinic to get pregnancy tests. they get the results back and they are all pregnant. The brunette responds, "well, i was on top so i am gonna have a girl". then the redhead says, "i was on the bottom so i will have a boy". then the blonde says, "OHH NO! I'm gonna have puppies!"

 

A little black boy was playing in the kitchen while his mother was baking. He took some flour and smeared it on his face.


"Look Mommy!" he said gleefully. "I'm white!"


The mother slapped him. "You should be ashamed! Now go into the other room and show your father what you did!"


The boy approached his father, who was reading the paper. "Look, Daddy, I'm white!"


The father slapped him even harder. "Shame on you, boy! Go upstairs and show your grandmother what you've done!"


The boy made his way upstairs to where his grandmother sat knitting. "Look what I did, Granny! I'm white!"


The grandmother gave him the hardest smack of all and sent him back to his mother. By now he was in tears.


"I hope you've learned something," his mother said sternly.


"Yes I did," sobbed the little boy. "I've only been white for five minutes and I already hate you blacks!"

 

ouch, but its still funny

 

Not meant to be racially offensive, my apologies if anyone took it that way. I did think it was funny, though!

 

Mrs B you might like this one.


An attractive women goes up to the bar in a rual tavern.


She gestures several times to the bartender,but he ignores her.


She disappears for several minutes,returns to the bar,and blows him a kiss.


This time he rushes over.


 "Are you the manager?" she asks,softly stroking his face .


 "Actually, no" the bartender smiles.


 "Can you get him for me?" she asks,running her hands through his hair.


 "I'm afraid I cant.Hes not here,"the bartender sighs."Is there anything I can do?"


 "Yes ,there is.I need you to give him a message,"she contines,popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.


 "What should I tell him?"he manages to ask.


 "Tell him,"she wispers,"that there"s no toilet paper in the ladies'room.


(Edited by The Dawg at 10:57 pm on Nov. 5, 2002)