NO. 128 "Expect the Ironic" FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003 PRES. BUSH UNDETERRED BY PROTESTS "I'm still going to wear fur," he says. WORLD NEWS "Regime Change" Already Working In England. Military Buildup in Gulf Reaches Readiness Level More Hummers in Kuwait than all of Beverly Hills. Turkey Stands Ready to Join Crusade Against Evil If the price is right. Bush: Iraq a Lesson to U.S. Foes If you attack us, we will strike back at somebody else with overwhelming force. U. S. NEWS Bad News: Washington D.C. Paralyzed by Blizzard Good news: Washington D.C. Paralyzed by Blizzard. Latest Poll: Those Who Supported War Now Having Doubts Those who had doubts now favor it. Gas Prices Soar Beyond Two Dollars a Gallon But Americans refuse to panic, carpool. REMINDER The first casualty of war is regular programming. Some Budget Provisions Questioned Particularly the allocation of $1 billion for rose-colored glasses. U.S. Planning New Generation of Smaller, Lower-Yield Nuclear Weapons Designed for today's on-the-go lifestyle. ALSO IN THE NEWS U.S. Military to Install Yet Unnamed Civilian to Rule Iraq After War Will announce winner on "Who Wants to Rule Iraq" on ABC. PAGE TWO – FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003 PEOPLE Obnoxious Dell 'Dude' Guy Arrested Former star of annoying commercials charged with aiding terrorists; will go before a military tribunal. ENTERTAINMENT Disney Loses Another Round in Winnie the Pooh Case "It's 11 o'clock," says CEO Michael Eisner, "time for a little jury tampering." MEDIA Study Finds Quality of Local News Much Higher on Independent Stations But viewers ill-informed about fabulous network entertainment shows. Liberal Talk Radio Network In the Works Lineup of shows so far: "Dukakis in the Morning," "The Franken Factor," "The Noam Chomsky Zone," and "The Big Scoop, With Ben and Jerry." Robert Blake Interview With Barbara Walters A Coup for ABC He asks her tough questions about her marriages. SCIENCE NASA: Mars Has Water White House quickly moves to weaken Martian environmental laws. HEALTH / MEDICINE Accreditation Panel: Medical Residents May Work 30-Hour Shifts As long as they take a five-minute break between shifts. In Next 27 Years Americans 65 and Older to Double From Current 35 Million That's 70 million people driving with their turn signals always on. PAGE THREE – FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003 ENVIRONMENT Yellowstone Facing Overpopulation Of Snowmobilers Some may have to be shot or poisoned. SPORTS Yanks Purchase Red Sox, Take Their Top Stars Leave a core unit of "truly horrible players." NBA Trade Deadline Passes With Flurry of Activity Head cases, underachievers, disgruntled prima donnas exchanged for each other. New People Brought in to Run U.S. Olympic Committee They promise not to take as many bribes. MERCHANDISING Best-Selling Toys 1. Lego Underground Bunker 2. Nerf Smart Bomb 3. Tickle Me Jacko 4. Extra Busty Barbie 5. The Gnat Farm This Week's Question: Should the United States invade Iraq? Jesus: No. And for a so-called born-again Christian to do so is personally embarrassing to me. I'm thinking of suing. Allah: No, but if they do invade it'll be an eye for an eye. Bush could end up wearing a patch and looking like the Hathaway man - remember him? Yahweh: Yes. The whole operation will take maybe a week or two, and then we can get back to watching sports. Buddha: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. Ra: This is really a better question for the God of War, but I'll take a swing at it. No, they shouldn't invade unless there is a legitimate reason. And certainly not without the rest of the world's support. Any knucklehead knows that. (Edited by rangerdanger at 12:40 am on Feb. 24, 2003) (Edited by rangerdanger at 12:45 am on Feb. 24, 2003)
Yellowstone Facing Overpopulation Of Snowmobilers Some may have to be shot or poisoned. thats what it is bro! right on... LETS KEEP AMERICA GREEEEN!
