A Short Love Story A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fuckin blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted. The End
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, remember that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you for 35 years?" "Here it comes..."
What's the difference between a fag and a fridge??? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out! I apologize if that offended anyone; it's just that I always get "EWWW...that's gross!"...everytime! LOL!
Black Panties Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out,but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.' Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?' She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.' He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?' He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 118 York Street?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot. The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. 'The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me? 'The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign around her neck reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thi ng happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20lb program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himse lf, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50lb program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I can catch you, your ass is mine
whenever im out and offer to buy a girl a drink, i ask her if i can buy her a drink or if she just wants to keep the 5 bucks dont really know any jokes, besides my friend, hes a fucking joke
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today. I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon..........you got nice house."
Next time.....go up to a woman and ask HER to buy YOU a drink, if she says no....tell her to give YOU five bucks instead so you can buy the drink then. When she looks at ya in astonishment smirk a bit, wink, and see what happens. Oh...and leave your buddy 'the joke' at home. You'll get more drinks that way. :sign13:
what do you call the useless skin around the pussy..... the women....lol.... what do you say to a girl with 2 black eyes..... nothing you already told her twice...lol... what do a 1000 beat wemon have in commen... they all dont know when to shut the fuck up...lol... peace az
Mr. Douglas.... LMAO...... I need to print that little chart(@ arguments) and post it on the fridge for hubby's future reference:laughing5: ......he should know by now, though...lol.... Really, Az,....IMO(Just an opinion, no biggie), jokes about women being beaten are not funny at all:icon_confused: But, to each his own.... The first two were amusing..
okay......make up for my 'tude... A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, and then calls his boss. "I hit a pig on the road, and he's stuck under the truck"' he explains. "what should I do?" "Shoot it in the head." answers his boss. "Then pull it out and toss it in the truck." The driver does it, and calls his boss back. "I did what you told me," he explains. "SO, what's the problem?" snaps the boss.... The driver replies........"I don't know what to do with his motorcycle..." :laughing7: A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on the shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. "You've got 2 choices," says the bear."I maul you, or we have sex." The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for 2 weeks, the pissed off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then, he feels another tap on the shoulder, and turns to see a 10 foot grizzly standing over him. "Admit it," says the bear. "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?" Here, I can make fun of myself.... "Knock knock"...."who's there?" ......."Control freak. Now, this is where you say control freak who?". .........:icon_rolleyes:
A priest is on duty in the confessional while the janitor is cleaning the church. The priest needs to run an errand so he gets the janitor. Priest: "Sit in the confessional for me for half an hour" Janitor: "Is there anything I need to know?" Priest: "Just that old widow O'Leary always comes in about this time of day. She always has some minor sin that's troubling her, so just give her ten hail Mary's." So, the widow comes in and says, "Father, I have sinned. I have given a man a blowjob." The janitor knows that ten hail Mary's isn't enough, so he runs and finds the altar boy. "Quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?" he asks. The altar boy replies, "A Snickers bar and a Coke!"
A young boy says to his father. "I had sex last night" The father says thats great! ........... The boy asks how long does my ass hurt for?
COWBOY CHILI A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
An 86 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the 86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better.....I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature." "Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'." "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
Tequila test Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
