Drinking Buddies: Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas , Tx . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar withnothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get abuzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of highoctane hootch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. Weought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ."
3 gay guys in a hot tub There are 3 gay guys sitting in a hot tub. When all of a sudden a big gob of gizz floats by one of them and then he says "ok" "which one of you guys farted"
The Smoker, the Alcoholic, & the Homosexual Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic :new_all_coholic: one was a Chain-Smoker :XXsmoker: and one was a Homosexual :hello: The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead." :sex:
A priest is walking a little boy through Central Park after dark. They occasionaly hear gunshots and screams somewhere in the darkness. The little boy says, "I'm afraid. Will you hold my hand?" The priest replies, "You're afraid? I'm the one who has to walk back by myself."
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 67-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No, but I would sure like to..." - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night..." and we went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?!!"
Fanua on Flora The Koala and the Little Lizard A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala inthe tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Fuuuu-k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Miranda Rights A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can, and will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Titsh"
The Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, consider this Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a hotel and slept for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and Then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies. No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, he says, this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!", exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Another Blonde Joke TWO FRIENDS, A BLONDE AND A REDHEAD, ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND PASS A FLOWER SHOP WHERE THE REDHEAD SAW HER BOY FRIEND BUYING FLOWERS. THE REDHEAD SIGHED AND SAID, "OH, CRAP, MY BOYFRIEND IS BUYING ME FLOWERS AGAIN." THE BLONDE LOOK QUIZZICALLY AT HER AND SAID, "YOU DON'T LIKE GETTING FLOWERS FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND?" THE REDHEAD SAID, "I LOVE GETTING FLOWERS, BUT HE ALWAYS HAS EXPECTATIONS AFTER GIVING ME FLOWERS, AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE SPENDING THE NEXT THREE DAYS ON MY BACK WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR." THE BLONDE SAYS, "DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE?"
Taxi Fare One rainy spring night in St. Augustine, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. 'Where to?' he stammered. 'Vilano Road,' answered the woman. 'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the h ell are you looking at?' 'Well ma'am', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.' The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?' Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?
Murphy's lesser known laws: Murphy's lesser known laws: 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't. 5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer. 11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries. 12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
^^^ I use my big toe for that^^^ T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T. A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a Blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her Biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T -G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means ", Honey, It's Thursday
Fred's Dying Wish Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Fred asks his wife for sex. She agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And! they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses....."Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?" At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."
Smart ass! A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.... A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
make up your mind! A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.' The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
Golf accident Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Nooo, no, I'll be all right. Just give me a few minutes,' the man gasped. He was in obvious agony, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?' He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
The Monkey.... A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?' 'No, what?' 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!' 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. ! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?' 'No, what?' replied the man. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender. 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'Since he shit that cue ball, he measures everything first!'
