ROFLMAO Snick...good one! Laughing hard at the chinese fortune cookie..lol The World's Shortest Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on. The End
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us." The agent says, ", I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute." The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us." The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." The father disrobes, and starts singing, "This Old Man." As he's singing, his dog hops out on his back legs. When the father gets to the part of the song, "...give the dog a bone," he starts fucking the dog in the ass. At the same time, the mother begins to sing, "I've Been Working on the Railroad." When she gets to, "...Dinah blow your horn," the daughter starts blowing the dog. As the mother sings, "Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, someone's in the kitchen I know, someone's in the kitchen with Dinah strummin' on his old banjo," the brother walks out while masturbating, and then starts eating out his mother's bloody, menstruating pussy. As the dad gets to the next stanza of, "...give the dog a bone," the brother shoves his rock-hard cock in the dog's mouth. Just then, the mother takes over blowing the dog, while the daughter starts sucking her father's dogshit-stained dick. So the mother is sucking off the dog, which is licking the brother's cock, who is eating out the mother. At the same time, the daughter is giving head to the father. With orchestrated precision, they all cum at the same time. The dog gives the mother a pearl necklace, the father gives the daughter one, the brother gives the dog one, and the mother gives the brother a ruby necklace. As they take a bow, they all shit simultaneously, while farting the Star-Spangled Banner. For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And the father says, "The Aristocrats!":laughing5:
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject,the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
Coming home drunk... Who says nice guys finish last... Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a “business function”. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!". Broken table - $200 Hot breakfast - $5 Red Rose bud - $3 Two aspirins - $0.25 Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
Snick man that joke made my day that is just funny ass shit! I just pictured some drunk as guy screaming that shit slurring.
The Kiss... A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Q. How can a bartender tell which men like Moose Head? A. They're the ones with antler marks on their hips. Peace~Jersey
Why women should not have online affair's.. LOL Why women should NOT have online affairs...... Peace~jersey
At the hospital, how do you tell which nurse is the 'Head Nurse"?? She's the one with the dirty knees!
origin of a very familiar phrase........ ya'll ever wonder where particular phrases or sayings come from? A customer enlightened me today as to the origin of the phrase, "you gotta be shittin' me." his version of the story any way. I thought I'd share it with ya'll, my Growkind family. George Washington and 35 of his best men were crossing the Deleware river on a very dark and stormy night. The river was very choppy and very rough. So much so, that they had a man on the front of the boat with a lantern. This man's name was Peters. After, what seemed like hours on the river, Peters was swept overboard by a wave, thus extinguising all the light. After an abbreviated search, they decided to finish crossing the river without poor Peters. The men finally docked the boat on the other side of the river and began to march. After an extended walk in the rain the men happened upon a house of ill repute. General Washington climbed the stairs and kocked on the door. An astounded woman answers the door with an exclamation, "damn, it's general George washington. He replies with, "yes ma'am I am general George washington. My men and I have crossed the river and walked for hours in the woods in a driving storm. My men are tired and we need COMFORT." "How many men do you have?", the mada'am asks. General Washington says, "There are 35 men without Peter's." "35 MEN WITHOUT PETERS!!!!!!",The Whore Exclaims, "YOU GOTTA BE SHITTIN' ME!!!!!!!!!" thus is born a commonly used term......... give or take a few minor amendments in translation over time i feel sure. :laughing5:
corporate lessons Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hand s her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Corporate Lesson 2 A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized " sister but t he flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Corporate Lesson 3 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Corporate Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, " Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up. Corporate Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the ; lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Class Dismissed P.S. Jersey, that pic of me wasn't supposed to be viewed on the internet!!! (how embarrassing) :rolleyes2:
ROFLMAO @ Mr.D>>>oppsies I am sorry I posted your pic?? ahhhhhhh....soooo that was you I was talking online too?? hehhehee Well you are ton's of fun...nothing wrong with a man "tummy" peace~Jersey
Wal-Mart greeter A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ...Nice Children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?" No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.." ********************************************************* Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..." :love4: A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn her very own deposit at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye.
care to take a chance? A Cape Cod Irishman walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle!" :laughing5:
Generic Drugs... In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts." Peace~Jersey
Q. Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women? A. It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken...It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good! Peace~Jersey
