this ones kinda bad... Q:What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A:It only take one nail to hang the picture. Told ya it was bad..
Turkey recipe Ingredients 1 whole turkey 1 large lemon, cut into halves sprig of rosemary salt and pepper to taste butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer Heat oven to 350 degrees Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts. Place sprig of rosemary into the turkey. Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes. If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit!
too damn funny!! ROFLMAO!! ...mot sure where you find these funny pics but keep em coming!! Hmmmm did they have the male version?? Peace~Jersey
Eight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND; He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . .That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . . They don't have time He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said . . We don't know; it has never happened. He said . . .Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said . . . They already have boyfriends. She said. . .What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said . . . A widow. He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Ok I have two jokes. First a parental advisary!!!!!!!!!! the following jokes may be considered offensive to some groups of people and are ment for comical adult humor only.. as will be all my jokes! 1st. Jesus was walking through a small village. He seen a huge angry mob surounding a lady about to stoner her to death. Jesus step between the crowd and the lady and spoke, "Anyone here pure of sin may cast the first stone!" Out of the croud comes this huge rocks nails the lady in the temple and knocks her to the ground dead on impact. Jesus looks to the person who threw the rock and said "God damn it mother, I told you to stay home." 2nd Q. What did the deaf blind child get for christmas? A. Cancer!!! buwahahah (irony) if ya like I have more!!
Religions of the World Taoism Shit happens. Confucianism Confucius says: "Shit happens." Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism That shit happened before. Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Protestantism Let shit happen to somene else. Catholicism If shit happens, you deserve it. Born Again Same old shit, new cover. Mormon If shit happens, it is eternal. Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us? Polytheism Who did this shit? Monotheism I've narrowed this shit down to one. Satanism We make shit fly. Agnosticism What is this shit? Atheism I don't believe this shit. Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit. Peace~Jersey
prayer Inside Story of Prayer In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in a world of safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall!"
burger wars Fuckin' clown deserved it.:qright5: Long live the King! Secret to a long marriage With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the churches marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China. "The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands Ralph . Now please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary? " Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."
50's Date It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
bambino An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says..... "We had him circumcised."
