Good one Mr. D! OK....here is one for you all........ What do you get when you cross a pickle and a reindeer? Peace~Jersey
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process\ all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office. Sincerely yours Edna"
Redneck Pick-Up Lines ROFLMAO @ Snick...hahha good one my frd!! Here is one for ya........... Redneck Pick-Up Lines.... Did you fart? ..........................cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? ........................cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . ........................I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? ........................cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ........................cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, ........................I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, ........................but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, ....................but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? ................I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, ................every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. Peace~Jersey
This song goes to the tune "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor. No.. I didn't write it...could have...HA!! SING IT GIRLS!!! (maybe in your head, if you are reading this at work!) Ready... set... go... At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! but I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry! I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans! Go on now - go, walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!! [Chorus] I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! .Hey! Hey! It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud! But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed! [Chorus] I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! .Hey! Hey! Peace~Jersey
A riddle for ya.... Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is way down at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing . What are they both thinking? Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down Jersey
Lion Tamer Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
No dudes it was just a stupid joke. I've got another stupid joke for you dudes. The other day I went to the store and I was Like............... Wooooooooah!.........Stooooooooore!
Suicide is not a subject to be taken lightly, Man!! I know from experience! I commited suicide a little over 20 years ago. I took an overdose of pills and died, but some young guy found me....how, I don't know, 'cause I was under a tree in a field waaaaay off the beaten path! He rushed me to the ER, where they zapped me with the paddles and shoved tubes down my throat, and pumped my stomach. I woke up the next night, strapped to the hospital bed, still alive......unfortunately, I felt at the time! They said I had fought them really hard, so they had to strap me down. I had a very caring nurse, who refused to give up on me. She's why I'm here today, certainly not my parents or family. Those were very dark days for me, but I came through it with f colors, and I'm a much better person for having lived through it! If you really do need to speak to someone, please find someone you can talk to....or, please feel free to PM me any time if you'd like to talk. But, please do not make jokes.
the stupid cowboy joke.... ..two cowboys riding through the wild west back in the day,just before nightfall the cowboy at the back said to the one at the front.."hey someones following us way off in the distance!",the lead cowboy shouted back "what size does he look to you from this distance?" to which the cowboy lagging behind shouted back indicating that the size of the person following was about 2centimetres between thumb and finger...."thats ok ,that means we are a day or two in front of him"...on they rode... ...next day the cowboy still lagging behind shouted to the lead cowboy "hey that guy is still a followin us" and the lead cowboy shouted back"well how big does he seem to look now?" and the lagging cowboy shouted back indicating that the man looked about 4centimetres between thumb and finger"...the lead cowboy replied"thats ok we still got at least a day ahead of him" ..on they rode... ...two days later and after having noticed the same man following them twice the lagging cowboy turns round and says"hes catching up" and the lead cowboy asked"how big does he look now?" and the lagging cowboy shouted back" he is about the length from the bottom of my thumb till just past the tip of my finger"..."shit hes gaining on us "replied the lead cowboy so they rode faster... ...on the last day just before the cowboys crossed the border the lagging cowboy shouted "he's gaining on us,he seems huge now!" and the leading cowboy shouted back"how big does he seem now" and the cowboy at the back shouted "he's longer than the length of my arm" so they rode as fast as they could ...the lead cowboy one last time shouted back"what size does he seem now" and the lagging cowboy shouted "he's almost roughly a metre looking from this distance"....the lead cowbopy shouted back" right thats it he's nearly caught up with us,shoot the bastard dead!" to which the cowboy behind shouted back....." aw i cant do it,i cant kill him"..."why not"shouted the lead cowboy to which he got the reply...."well it dont seem right,iv known him since he was this size"(indicating a small gap between thumb and finger) Y'all DID say this thread was for STUPID jokes didnt ya?I think this qualifies cos my dad told me it!Peace
Why do women love to suck circumcised dicks?...Because they can't Fucking resist anything with 10% off!! :laughing5:
Dallas Cowboys... Q: What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A: The DALLAS COWBOYS . Q: What do the DALLAS COWBOYS and Billy Graham have in common? A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ". Q: How do you keep a DALLAS COWBOY out of your yard? A: Put up goal posts. Q: Where do you go in DALLAS in case of a tornado? A: To COWBOYS STADIUM - they never get a touchdown there! Q: What do you call a DALLAS COWBOY with a Super Bowl ring? A: A thief. Q: Why was BILL PARCELS upset when the COWBOYS play book was stolen? A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it. Q: What's the difference between the DALLAS COWBOYS and a dollar bill? A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill. Q: What do the DALLAS COWBOYS and possums have in common? A: Both play dead at home (and get killed on the road)
Reincarnation After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter". Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back right away". St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him..ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!
Dear Wife TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just lay there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move KEEP READING....... ===================================================== TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. Peace~Jersey
