Fear and Loathing in suburbia...

Guy never took his kids to school today. He tried to ring me to say cops were looking for me so i said "gimme their number then and i'll call them and set them straight". His tone changed pretty quickly to "how did this even happen " to " nah my mrs would never hit a kid with a bottle". I assured him she did,i told him he lockked us in the house and grabbed a knife which he proceeded to try hit me with so if he is looking for an aplogy for me crowning him with a bottle then he can chase his tail. I had a wee queit word today with a techer who knows me well,told her that there had been few issues and that Paulsa Mum hit Callum with a bottle,her reply "Paulsa Mum? Why doesnt that surprise me". So im thinking these idots have previous with school or social work. They aint had their kids in at school for a fulll week now,im thining cos their heavy drinkers? Poor girls,his girls are wee angels and good friends of callum. He just Facebooked me to say "can we put this to bed" and i said "Look man,once i get an apology from you and your wife THEN i'll put it to bed but stay out my way and keep my name out your mouth,end of". A few apologies quicly followed. I swear to God,i must have some kind of arsehole magnet where i gravitate towards all the wrong kinds of people. Fucking hardly venture out to socialise and when i do i end up with clowns:sad4:

 

Its an upbringing thing......that and the fact my previous interactions with cops have always ended up messy. Cops only care about prosecuting whoever they can whether their the guilty party or not.They dont care about justice,only in fulfilling their quota or arrests:jj:

 

Shit if only you knew man. For best part of two years iv stayed clear of everyone and anyone just to focus on whats important to me in my life. Recently all i hear from people is "get yourself back out there". A game of poker,some sports on tv with a chinese bufett and a drink while my kid plays nintendo with ther kid,seemed legit to me. Iv been in the guys compnay before,seemed ok even if he has that typical scottih trait of drinking more than he can handle...


I dunno man. Maybe i shouldnt have took my brother round,hes daft in the head and they clashed. But all the same....who the fuck hits kids with bottles? Anyways its dealt with now.I dealt with it personally myself tonight. The guy nows my position. The schol are aware but due to the delicate nature of me not liking police they have agreed to keep it on their file for future use,apparently this guy and his wife are knwon to them although they obviously didnt elaborate. I get on well with the school even with my backstory,they respect my honesty and they respect the fact im a guy raising a kid and never comlain no matter how hard the grind becomes.So i trust the chool.....sort of. But cops... iv seen to many honest people run to cops only for it to blow up in their face .


Skuzz yur right man,i recon he slaps this bird around. His youngest daughter(shes only 2 or 3) had an accident and i acually went to the toilet and seen him with his face pressed tight up against hers and he was saying in a menacing tone "you have fuckin embarrased yourself tonight,DO YOU HEAR ME?? Your a dirty midden now get to bed!". But its not my job to tell people how to raise their kids....but it did give me some insight into his parenting skills and lack of comosure around kids. His wifes a fuckin idiot. I see her in the playground smelling of booze all the time. Anyways its dealt with. I apologised for fucking him up but it was conditonal on him apologising for starting t. Basically i didnt give a shit about the aplogoy,the whole point f the excercise was to lull him to a false sense of security so he would put in type exactly what he did and thats my insurance in case he ever tries to twists shit.Iv got a PM from him begging me to drop it saying how it was all his fault and asking me not to tell anyone his wife hit my kid with a bottle. He started moaning saying how hes gonna get evicted cos my brother put a flower pot through the entrance door and i said "well you shouldnt have been trying to run into the street armed with a knife" and he said "no,no your right. Id dran two bottles of vodka". Iv got him bang to rights in his own words and anything i apologised for i made sure i began it with "look you locked me in your house ,pulled a knife and your wife bottled my kid while you were swinging punches at me.... what was i meant to do?But yeah im sorry for defending myself". Im not really but the pm has served his purpose. He finished it with "so if i take my kids to school tomorrow theres not gonna be any repucussions?". "Nope.I dont do repurcussions in school playgrounds". Moving on.He nows where i stand and he knows where i'll leave him if he fucks with me or mine again. Sometimes being passive just doesnt cut it:bongin:

 

You need to change your assessment of who you hang with amigo. I run with some rough cats sometimes, but not with my daughter(s) in tow. My high school kid asks why she can't meet some of my work guys. I tell her they aren't the folks I want her around.


Dude....gotta be honest with ya, as a friend. The entire scene sounds sketchy from the beginning rife with ignored warning sings.

 

Ima be REAL here,heart on my sleeve type shit ....


.....What am i to do,hide away from ever and deny myself AND my son social intractions cos i see warning signs everywhere Cos i do Res,i see warning signs everywhere and its held me back for two years now to the point my family are telling me i cant let what happened in the past define who i am in the future by refusing to mingle with people IN CASE OF THIS OR IN CASE OF THAT. Its like someone who refuses to cross a road IN CASE he gets hit by a bus. That day may never come but cos of an irrational fear you've went the long way round your whole life yanno? Where do i draw the line between irrational fears and genuine warning signs?I gotta be honest man,this has pissed me of and set me back cos i felt id came on leaps and bounds with the CBT and the last piece of the jigsaw is getting myself back out there again and making sure my son gets out there too. Its not a nice feeling when you think you have made progress in your judgement skills then summit like this happens. Yeah maybe theres some areas i could or shoulda looked at more closely.But Res if i start to over analyse EVERY person i meet what am i gonna become man?A paranoid recluse? These are real genuine concerns man,fears even.You know this and you know me more than most cos iv probably shared my realest and deepest thoughts with you in private more than most people even from my real life nevermind online. You know i value your wisdom and take on board your critiques though, so i take your post in the manner in which you intended it.


But i seriously didnt see an incident of tjhis magnitude arising.It seriously seemed like progress,seemed legit. Im trying to not be so cautious cos im denying myself a life man and i am scared i end up denying Callum a life through my mistrust of others,my insecurities in my judgement of others.I gotta be honest im 35 and i feel more socially inept and insecure than when iwas going through puberty lol.:bduh:


Yeah my filtering system needs refined a bit thats for sure. Its tough man.Im not one of these guys who likes to maon about his lot in life,i prefer to appreciate what i do have instead of bemoan that which i dont have.But loneliness.... man that shit can suck the life out you.And i dont want the fact im over cautious and guarded with who i let into my life to adversely affect my son. We moved here and knew no one. Iv did my best to keep myself to myself for the best part of 2 years. It actually got to the stage my family were concerned i was turning into too much of a recluse and not giving myself a chance to meet new friends and girlfriends or whatever.But that didnt bother me....for a while. Loneliness is a bitch though. Me and my brother fell out for a substantial amount of time but for good reason.I filtered him out at a time when he was a negative influence on my life and in fact the last week is the first time we have even had a drink together or socialised for some time. The taking Callum in tow thing.....


For months all i keep hearing is "do you not let callum go on sleepover with his freinds" or "do you not let callum go round his friends house and play after school2,it got to the point where i felt like "Hmmmm,ok... is my PTSD shit now hindering my sons life?". Hes a happy kid.I do all the vacation,halloween,fireworks night,christmas ,easter and birthday shit that any other kid gets. I take him to football training and some other out of school activities and if im honest hes never happier than when playing online on his PS3 or watching cable or netflix. Hes got everything a kid could need. But STILL i feel like i dont make enough effort to get encourage him to mingle more with other kids.If im honest i personally feel hes too young for sleepovers and all that kinda stuff.I'm not comfortable letting him out my sight in the care of people i dont know and hes quite clingy with me too.


Res this scottish guy is a parent iv said hello to in the playground for more than a year but its never been more than a quick hello and a reference to the football,bit of banter cos hes celtic and im rangers. Then when my Dad came down to visit me just a month or so ago my Dad got chatting to him while we waited for the school bell. He invited me and my Dad round for a meal but we declined cos it was me and my Dads birthday and id made other plans. But few days later in the playground a woman runs up to me,introduces herself as Petes wife and hands me a chinese chicken curry homecooked and still hot. "Theres a wee sample of the dinner from Pete". It was a nice curry and thats more or less how i started talking to the guy a bit more than usual. He asked me round one night ,said Callum could have sleepover with his daughter who is callums friend in the same class.I went over and it was a great wee night,we shared scottish stories and he made me a lovely meal.We watched some sports on tv,the kids played nintendo wii all night and watched dvd's. The next day when i went home Callum was saying "Dad i liked my sleepover at Paulas,can we go again?".


It tugs n the heart strings Res,i wanna make him happy,i dont want him to become anti social and introverted all cos iv got some PTSD related issues ,plus there werent any alarm bells. Dont get me wrong i never saw me becoming best friends with the guy or nothing but as far as finally meeting parents of Callums friend that i could mingle with out of school then yeah.... it seemed legit Res it really did. I was actually encouraged and it kinda mamde me think "you now what,this getting out there and mingling with folks aint as bad as i make myself believe". Id also met another couple who are his neighbours,very respectable couple from posh cambridge,little 2yr old girl and a bun in the oven.Nice car,nice house,polite people and iv actually made better friends with them than with Pete and his wife . So i felt i was making good progress on the whole "trying to be more sociable" thing.If not for me then at least for Callums sake....


Then the weekend happened. Iv covered all my angles and the guy sought me out today for an extended chat,he apoligsed profusely about things like hitting me with the knife and getting in my face. He said him or his wife have no recollection of Callum being dinked with a bottle but Callum had already said to him in the playground "Why did your wife hit me on the hehad with a beer" so he knows im not making it up. He said he shouldnt have slapped me and then he says his wife shouldnt have been in my walllet. Now this was news to me cos id no idea anyone was in my walllet. He said i left a bag of weed and £95 cash sitting on his table which he gave me back. Thats debateable but i was looking to draw a line under it so i let that one slide. I told him "Look man,iv got a serious thing about people locking me in a house when violence is going on and im also seriously over protective of my son. You pulled a knife on me mate,the last time my son aw a knife being pulled on me he nearly lost me forever." When i explained to him a few things he couldnt e any more apologetic. When he told me hes had drink problems in the past i wasnt surprised. Him and his wife ,now that iv took a step back to analyse,seem to e heavy drinkers so yeah thats a warning sign i should have heeded,i agree.


But Res up until this shit happened it felt like i was making progrss,making an effort to let callum spend out of school time with friends aswell as making some new friends in the area myself.Friends who have no connections to drugs or any bullshit. I really felt i was moving in th right direction. I wont lie man.This incident has set me back a bit.I'll still make the effort to have Callum socialise moroe and i'll still try do the same but..... i dunno man.I thought id analysed past mistakes and learned from them and by keeping myself to myself past few years i felt id done all i could to be a good parent. Iv been moving in the right direction employment wise and the last piece f the jigsaw in my life is making some good lifelong friends,meeting a woman and making sure Callum has good friends.Maybe im too eager or whatever,i dont know.But iits depressing man. I left behind lifetime friends and my closest family back home. Its hard trying to regain and remake good friends and to have a social life again.I do TRY filter out arseholes.I DO take my sons safety serious. I just seem to be a fuckin halfwit when it comes to the types of people i trust in a social sense. Im fed up with the lonleyness man. Scared that my reclusiveness is gonna dversely affect Callum somehow:sad4:


One good thing thats came from all this is that iv realised that a woman in my life who iv kept at arms length for over two years now is actually the one person who is falling over herself to be "my woman" to act like "Callums Mum". We had a fall out few weeks ago and this has kind of made me pen my eyes and realise iv got people there and if i dont keep closing doors on them then i can have some goodnness in my life,not only that but shes willing to hsare the load,help me chase my career dreams. Its an avenue iv avoided for too long but maybe its time i explored it. Also,as much as a pain in the ass as my kid brother can be.Its been good to hve him around past few days and to have my nephews round playing with Callum. As much as me and my brother dont get on at times hes like a best fiend to me at times too and maybe i need to cut him some slack.Iv been so judgemental in chasing everyone out my life in case they have negative impact n me ,Callum or our life that iv overlooked the good they bring into my life and the good shit they have to offer me and Callum. One things for sure,i never let a negative pass without learning a positive from it. Just need to review and refine my shit on a more regular basis. Everydays a learning process for me man,everyday. Im my harshest critic and yeah some of this may have seemed sKetchy....but my intentions were purely to just "be normal" give my son and myself some of that "normality" that everyone else has,you know like friends and people to socialise with. I dunno man..... i just dont knw sometimes:sad4:

 

call attorney and explain just so you have a paper record, don't delete anything from FB they might have said just in case.


But yea like CC was saying, act like they are dead. Let kids be kids but that's it. Also drop a line to the school just in case.


Your son should be the only thing you think about in this case, you don't want another case over something stupid, nor should you want him thinking that shit is ok

 

Its sorted and dealt with. :jj:

 

Yeah that fact wasnt lost on me either. Sad day when you cant have a drink without shit turning ugly though.....and yeah i DO type too much,way too much!:bongin:

 

This ones for you FF & Hank.Noone else digs the selfloathing/Depricating wall'O'Txts


Friendly Farmer you've no idea man.Believe it or not i used to be a keen writer.Did my creative writing nightschool classes and iv written a stack of unfinished books lol. Screenplays you name it. I get the urge to start again every now and then but it never lasts. I enjoy reading long posts,i know others dont apprpeciate my posts but fuck it.Its my primal scream therapy,just let it all out and unload on a forum. Works for me. Theres only so much conversation i can hold with a 6yr old kid or so many phone conversations with my 68yr old Dad or my over medicated Mum hahahah. I converse with most of my family via FB these days but the beauty of GK is i can wear my heart on my sleeve and use this forum as a sounding board without having to worry about what people think. I like smoking a blunt while listening to the tv and typing away to my hearts content Im a very fast typist and as you all see i rarely stop to check for typos or spellcheck. Glad im not the only one who thinks iits weird to be in a rush to have your kids do sleepovers age 6. I dont get it and i dont like it when people make me feel like im an over strict Dad cos i dont let my kid sleepover at friends or hang around the park until dark. Iv even had people ask why i insist on walking him to and from school when i live almost at the school gates but theres a road to cross so why the hell would i let my 6yr old kid risk crossing that busy school rush laden road every day??Theres parents who dont take their kids to school or pick them up.But thats them. I raise my kid in my own unique unorthodox manner He gets more love than most kids,he lives in a happy home with anything he needs,thats more than most kids.Fuck sleepover and all this shit people "expect" of me as a Dad.Im gonna do shit my own way cos each time i try do it someone elses way it always blows up in my face. Trust my gut and stop ignoring it.Thats the way forward:thumbsup:

Yeah Hank i was fucked.I had started drinking at home,smoking.Ususually when i do that i stay home unless im on a night out to a pub or wherever.So yeah i was more under the influence than i shoulda been.ut thats not a regular occurence Hank. Quite rare.I do my drinking and smoking alone when my kids out of sight. I didnt see the problem in going there and back in a taxi and getting some poker fun while the kids had fun too.I actually kinda thought it wa gonna be a good night.I shoulda left the minute i realised the other poeker players (neighbours,decent people) had left cos they felt this guy and his Mrs were a little worse for wear. I make a point of ensuring my id is safe despite what has occurred.


The sad truth of it is man,and im keeping it real when i say this and im not trying to feel sorry for myself .... but its a loneliness thing man.Cabin Fever whatever the fuck you wanna label it. Spent two years in solitude physcially and mentally,some funky PTSD shit that i addressed via Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and finally started feeling like maybe i shouldnt blank everyone that reaches out to me be it friend or family. Yeah the woman smelled of drink but to be honest man i dont judge people like that.Id maybe think "bit early for that" and maybe frown at at cos im the kinda guy that usually doesnt even get my toke on until iv done my Dad duties for the day. The fucked up thing is i am pretty good at getting the measure of a man and sussing out what type of person they are. So the problems not so much being bad judge of character,its more case of i need to start listening to my gut instead of other people.


But yeah man,you get cabin fever after a year or so and you wanna actually get to know people in a new area you move into.Its been hard in a cultural sense,everyones English or an Immigrant from Somalians to some nutty Eastern Eurpeans. The area is live in is quite a clique feeling community within a much broader City community.I live in the old town part of the city and everyone seems to know everyone. And then theres me,the mysterious dude with the kid who ignores everyone. If anything they maybe know me as "The older brother of that shifty guy Steve" Recently through working part time in a local centre for addictions and crime reduction programs iv started seeing more and more people walking in the door who are from my area or even parents of kids in callums school.But apart from the obvious maintainging professional boundaries theres also the element of me not wanting to hang around people with addictions. So what im trying to say is... apart from a group of people i now through my kid brother,another group of friends who live in the city and when i say friends i mean some people i hung out with when i last lived down here back in early millenium.


Apart from that,in nearly two years iv literally made no effort to get to know anyone.Plenty of people have tried with me but i always retreat back into my little security bubble iv created in my home. No one comes to my home period unless specifically invited,its my one sanctuary.But Jesus it can get cabin fever lonely once the Dad duties are done and homewor and bedtime bath and stories.Theres only so much playstation3,netflix or chating online to folks and sports on televsion that a guy can take before he starts to crave a bit of compny. The fact iv had allsorts of people ask why i dont allow him to go on sleepovers and to play out in the streets after school,it started making me think im too guarded,too cautious,maybe im adversely affecting the way hes gonn interact with people cos he sees me being like that?


So when a fellow scotsman offers me a lift in his car into town a few times,gets his wife to hand me a hot scottish curry in the playground one day after my ork,a nice surprise.I actually posted on my FB how pleasant a surprise it was and how maybe it does pay to talk to people. To me it felt good i was allowing someone to be friendly,we shared some banter and then we had a nice night recently and Callum loved his sleepover with movies,computer games and a feast of treats. So even if i had maybe noticed small question marks recently id still be inclined to give someone the benefit of the doubt based on their good deeds outweighing any deeds i deem not good.Who the fuck am i to judge other peoples lifestyles.I dont like mine being judged so i respect others the way i would like to be respected. They posed no threat to me or mine and thats my only concern.


What happened could never have been predicted.Its easy in hinsight to critique yourself but there ws nothing to suggest me and this guy would ever clash.Its still a surprise to me how quickly the dude turned.Hes got a weakness i hadnt noticed and im usually pretty observant:5magnify:.


If anything my fault is i always try see the good in people. Hank you know what its like to settle in a different counntry and culture and to be a stranger.Sooner or later you need to tae a chance and get to know people.I cant hide away from anyone i met at the age of 35 all cos of shit that happened when i was 33. This just makes me reaffirm that im RIGHT to shut myself away from folks and not wanna bother getting to know people. I can get by like that,make myself content but at some point its gonna have an adverse affect on my life and my kids life. Its ok to say yeah but theres the sudy and the career path ,that will bring in new friends and people in your life....but right now that shit seems a long way off. I fuckin miss the bonds i had with some folks back home,people you could rely on come rain hail or shine.


Anyways im done trying to explain these irrational fears and illogical concerns on a forum in the form or incoherrnt rambling posts lol. To me these are serious mindfucks of issues man that iv been actively trying to combat and overcome for 2 years.I dont give a shit if people find that funny or think im kooky:bduh: But i grew up with a tight community,we looked after each other and we were never short of a friend. Then half of that community tried to fuck me in the ass and the other half who were meant to "ride or die" hung me out to dry so yeah....iv got some trust issues when it comes to reintegrating myself into society.Iv got a mentality that tells myself "just stay the fuck away from people and bad shit cant happen" . I dont suffer fools gladly and cant abide idle chit chat so i avoid the bullshit conversations that are the avenues to making new friends and even girlfriends.Iv never did the whole "member of society" gig. mistrusting of strangers as it is. The making new friends idea was me tryin to address some of the said issues. So yeah.... Epic Failure on all accounts i guess. We live and learn,for some of us we need that extra bit of tutoring i guess:bongin:

 

:confused2: Wall-o-text...but I get your drift buddy. if I was curt, figure we been around enough topics that I can shoot straight without hurting your feelings...you know I gots huge respect for you Ap.


It's a goofy thing man...you get desensitized by your background, things other folks (folks not normally running from a knife wielding dinner party host) spot intuitively are accepted normal behavior when that's what you're used to. Too much drinking, minor rough ups that could escalate, rough treatment of their kids. All are signals that you're in the wrong place and that it will most likely never be the right place. Time to beg your leave and scoot. You be embarking on a different life and that requires different tools amigo.


It took 30 years learning the tools you've been using....it's not unusual to find they don't work anymore and even less unusual to feel agitated that they don't. Give yourself the luxury of realizing it'll be a few years until your new social tools are polished and reliable. Until then, look at what went wrong, how your judgement could have been better, and move on to try and do it a little different next time. No need to be a monk...just narrow your idea of what's acceptable in others you choose to associate with.


If you want Callum to have sleepovers or friends in, have them to your house until you are 100% sure about the parents. Might take you sending out for curry or doing some cooking...but the single mommies love seeing single dads doing that shit.

 

:thumbsup: